My horrible, messed up, insane brain

Possible TW:  suicide ideation, and general crazy thinking

I have been trying to figure out why I haven’t been on here for a long time.  I tried to make excuses (I’m needing to move towards making ‘real’ friends out in the ‘real’ world, I don’t know what’s really going on inside my head so how can I put it into words, etc) but they kept just being excuses.  Maybe the truth is I have learned to care for fellow bloggers and I was 1) afraid of contaminating others 2) wanting to please everyone and try to act healthy, which I am far from right now.

When I read others posts where they say “I had a good day…I wasn’t suicidal” my first thought, for a very long time now, has been “that is not my idea of a good day”.  I wake up every day wanting to be suicidal, searching to be suicidal, pushing myself to be suicidal.  And those are my good days.  My bad days are when I have pushed too far and know that in the next few hours something horrible will happen unless I am able to jump from the freight train driving my thoughts.  That’s when I get scared.

On the good days I research ways to do it.  This is difficult because my husband has activated settings on my phone and computer that prevent it so I spend time trying to cleverly access sites without using certain words that trigger the settings.  I also read books about mental illness in the attempt to trigger myself (sometimes works, sometimes doesn’t).  I spend time planning, re-planning, scheduling and re-scheduling.

My reading has gotten me scared out of my mind about going into the psych ward because of the use of restraints and seclusion.  But, I don’t call the hotlines, my counselor, or tell my husband because I don’t want to be stopped.

At my yearly psychiatrist appointment I had to tell her about the suicide ideation and that is when she suggested a medication change.  She kept saying “You don’t want to be suicidal.  You don’t want to be suicidal.”

I felt like screaming, “uh, you are so wrong.  That is all I want.”

But is it?  Don’t I want a life beyond all this pain?  Don’t I want to think about my three kids and the mess that would be left behind if I make a bad decision.  It just seems hard to live a life without the suicide now.

My counselor told me that he is going on vacation next week.  He goes every year but this is the first year I have admitted to myself and him that I am scared out of my mind for him to not be available through email.  I know he cares.  I know him leaving doesn’t change his caring for me.  But, I feel abandoned.  And I hate myself for that.  I hate that I trusted and am now feeling hurt.  I hate myself that I am feeling abandoned by My Counselor.  I am not a kid.  I KNOW he will be back the following week.  There is no rational reason to feel abandoned.  But, none of that changes the fact that I feel abandoned.  And weak.  And stupid.

So now I have suicide ideation and the feeling of being abandoned by my counselor because he is doing something he has every right to do.

Oh, and did I forget to add that I sent a letter last week to a previous Christian counselor that abused me for two years?  I doubt seriously that she has a healthy bone in her body to be able to respond in a healthy manner so if she does write back it will be filled with evil narcissism.  I told my counselor and husband that I won’t read it if she sends something in return.  But I know I will read it because I want to push myself over the edge.  And what better timing than to do it while my counselor is out of town.

What a mess I am.