Wanting a God of my own understanding

“The woman quietly watches the poodle family, and in her smile all memories are collected, the present and the past, all tenderness, all sorrow and longing. Her smile is without guile or deception, for it does not deny her bitterness and anger at a world without mercy. At a world in which we are executioners to ourselves as well as to others, and our own and others’ salvation as well. She has come home.” Burned Child Seeks the Fire by Cordelia Edvardson

I don’t know where I am in life. I am still in the present AND in the past and the two have not merged in a graceful space. There is no moment where I have accepted the past while looking forward to the future being grateful for the present. I don’t know what I think about God except that I don’t understand Him. I don’t understand what He allows, what he intercedes for, or how he decides between the two. I can’t decide if this is a God I want to worship and struggle with or if He is a God I want to just acknowledge from very far away while waiting for my time on this earth to end.

You see, it’s too late for me to completely turn my back on Him. He has spoken to me again and again. He has made Himself KNOWN to me. He has shown Himself to me, revealed Himself to me, called me His.

And yet, my heart is starting to grow cold. I’ve seen too much wickedness. I’ve heard evil’s whisper in my ear. I’ve felt its sin pressed up against my flesh. There is no desire and certainly no energy left to look for His grace.

Why not decide to make it through this life with as much compassion and love as possible and leave the relationship to Him? I’m simply too tired to continue the search, too worn to keep up my end of the bargain.

Why can’t I keep the God of my own understanding? A God that created my sweet babies, loves goodness, and always, under all circumstances protects. Instead I was given the knowledge of good and evil at an age that shattered all illusions of purity in this world.

3 thoughts on “Wanting a God of my own understanding

  1. God desires honesty, with ourselves and Him! And you have done that here and He can handle it! Everything you feel is understandable! And you are not alone in your struggle with God and your faith!

    Liked by 1 person

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